Turmoil in Candyland
By: Lee Thomas Penn
-Son of-
Thomas Lee Penn
I am the
King of the Lollipops, and there is a tomcat with a pirate’s hat keen on
licking me behind closed doors.
“Jolly
good,” I say. “I will slay this giant cat some way, lest he lick my career
away… But maybe not today.”
For I kind
of like the affection, as scandalous as it is, but despite my discretion there
are rumors of political insurrection. My enemies claim that the king is to
blame for the rise in bubblegum tariffs, especially the Candy Corn Sheriff, who
is jealous of my affair. This secret he seeks to share, ensnare his king
debonair in a royal scandal.
I am the King of Lollipops, you see, and engaged
to be married to the Queen of Gumdrops in holy matrimony. I have not time for
kitty cats in pirate hats using me for selfish ends, although I am not fully at
fault. I have seen the queen with Count Jelly Bean rolling naked in a tub of
ice cream! My wife has, in truth, a wandering sweet tooth. We’ll both wake up
in Candy Cane Hell, but to the public eye, all was well.
Yet now my
feline-all-mine secret is out. The Candy Corn Sheriff gave a shout! and stirred
the proletariat about with blackmail photos that flout the lick marks on my
royal personage.
Privately he cried, his love having
been denied by the hungry cat wearing kinky hats.
“The
sheriff lies!” I cry to my people and bride. “I am no kitten’s snack! I got
these lick marks on my back from the latest Gummi Bear attack! Is it a crime to
uphold my station against the fierce Gummi Bear nation? With their chewy
claw-paws and hungry maws, breaking all of Candyland’s laws? I’ll never stop
fighting for Prince Caramel’s cause!”
The people
remembered and murmured and muttered and shuddered. For last year, the bears
had taken my brother.
“And my
people, hark! these saliva marks, I’m
embarrassed to say, were given by Queen Gumdrops yesterday!” Then I whisper to
my betrothed, make her swear an oath – “Be quiet, or I’ll expose us both.” Now
she knows I observed the scene (obscene!) between her and lecherous Count Jelly
Bean. Thus, she keeps mum and plays dumb and waves sheepishly to the crowd,
cheering loud for royal romance.
“My people,
the fat tomcat with the pirate hat has got to go – I’ll prove it so! It’s loud
meows and broken vows to abstain from feline flings. Illegal! Absurd! (But
don’t believe all that you’ve heard:) For I am your king, conservative,
right-wing, and loyal to my wedding ring – I’ll fight the beast!”
My advisors approve, say that’s a good move.
Out comes
the national candy band with instruments in hand: candy horns, kettle corn
drums, sugar plum flutes, all in blueberry suits, syrupy saxes (funded by
property taxes), soda pop clarinet quartets, and a set of chocolate tubas. And
the Poobah of Peanut Brittle fiddles with a little Jell-O cello (he’s there for
show, although he’s a finely dressed fellow) wearing yellow robes adorned with
a chrysanthemum – they’re set to play the national anthem:
Oh Candyland, you forever stand sweet
May cream stream freely
through the streets
Our coating is tough,
our filling is fluff
We cook the right stuff,
oh Candyland!
I wrote it
by hand, isn’t it grand?
And cotton candy ballerinas parade
about the arena, chanting “The greatest of kings!” while the cocoa militia
flings, with taffy slings, chocolate coins and shiny things to the raging
crowd.
“We want blood!” they cry aloud.
And out I step in rock candy armor
(looking quite the military charmer) with a licorice whip and peppermint shield
to face my foe on the battlefield. And there he is, the cat, now with a
matador’s hat, letting out a wail of betrayal for my selfish act.
“I thought it was love,” he meowed
and spat.
“Silence, liar, you big mangy cat!”
I reveled in reviling licks every
afternoon – I’d giggle, I’d swoon. But they have to stop (too soon!) before
they drop the “King” in King Lollipop. So the fight begins.
Stab, jab, lick, bite, he jumps at
me with all his might! He knocks out my wind, has got me pinned – I wish that I
had never sinned!
Then, thank the Gods!, tactical
revision when I release my division of thrice numbered mice packed nice in my
pocket. Yes, a kitty cat distraction for a fraction of time! Bound in licorice,
the feline is mine!
Royal personage divine, I am the
people’s savior of immaculate behavior: the great King Lollipop!
“Stop!” shouts a burly fellow and
steps betwixt my foe and me. “It is I who should die! This cat is my cherry
pie, my white dove from above and one true love! I’m sorry I exposed you – if
you kill him, kill me too! But you’ll never silence the unadulterated violence
of the bubble gum tariffs!” Yes, it is the Candy Corn Sheriff before the king just
now.
“Meow,” purrs the tomcat (now in a
pompadour hat) with newfound affection.
“You’ll pay for this interjection,
enemy protection, and tariff imperfection detection! Prepare for natural
selection, you Judas Iscariot!” And I order the militia to have him shot.
Chocolate arms take aim to wound
and maim…
“Hold your fire,
cocoa soldiers!
That
man is not fit to give you orders.”
A raucous gasp – what’s that over
there? In bursts Prince Caramel astride a bear, Candyland’s older and rightful
heir!
“I have returned
to claim my proper seat
And
restore order to the sugary streets.
Three
years ago he caught me unawares
And
abandoned me to the Gummi Bears.
Left
me for dead and claimed the throne,
Never thought he
would atone!
But now you all
are free from this tyrant’s reign –
I’ll make sure
he’s never heard from again.
Your true king has
come, heed my call:
Justice, and
bubble gum for all!”
And my dearest
brother, prudish and vile
Restores the old
order of style.
Was I so
egregiously wrong
To alter the ingredients
of song?
To rule with
ambition, a new tradition of volition,
Erudition
demolition, and requisition ammunition?
Apparently so.
Woe, to fall below
the rank of chief
And become the
peer of whore and thief!
Disbelief, throne
relief, dirty hands remove my crown;
The peasants tear
my statue down.
Even
my marriage plans have gone to Hell –
Dispelled!
Queen Gumdrops
will marry King Caramel.
And
as for the Count and their amorous play,
She
joins him for ice cream ev’ry Sunday.
As
for me, I was banished to a cave,
Which
I fear is destined to be my grave
Because
it’s swarming with cats,
Wearing
foul looks and jailor’s hats.
And when I entered
the cave, cursing and howling,
I overheard a
sinister purring and growling.
“Welcome,
King, to our kitty cat prison,
Where
the screams echo, and you pay for your sin.
We’re
so glad you could join us,” said the cat-guards.
“Our
brother, the pirate, sends his regards.”
The Termination of King Lollipop’s Reign
Over The Democratic Nation of Caramel,
Formerly Candyland,
In the Year 159 of the Butterscoth Empire
- Or -
The End, My Friend
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